Want to be more emotionally intelligent? Learn how to engage in smart conversation--the type that helps you stronger relationships? As you sit there waiting for your meeting to start, you try to think of a good topic for conversation--something engaging and stimulating. But you can endure the awkward silence no longer. So ...
You start talking about the weather.
Ugh
As someone with emotional intelligence, you know this isn't the way to go. Instead of spending your time chatting about the weather and meaningless topics with colleagues, you want to build strong connections and rapport with people at work. But how do you ditch the small talk and start engaging in smart conversation--the type that helps you better understand how others think, feel, and behave, and that helps you build stronger relationships with your colleagues?
Let's break down why small talk can actually be harmful to relationship-building, and how you can do better. (If you find value in this article, you might be interested in my free seven-day emotional intelligence course, which delivers a single lesson to your inbox each day for a week.
Why you should ditch the small talk
First, let's define exactly what we mean by small talk: casual conversation about unimportant matters. Small talk may seem like a comfortable way to pass the time with your colleagues, but it actually does more harm than good. It's superficial, and it doesn't allow for any real connection. But research shows that people crave that connection, even at work. In a series of studies, research firm Gallup discovered that employees valued communication from managers who were interested not just their roles and responsibilities, but in what happened in their lives outside of work as well. The research revealed that employees who felt their manager was invested in them as people were also more likely to be engaged. But since small talk doesn't provide that opportunity, what should you talk about? You can take a lesson from Dale Carnegie..
Be the most interesting person in the room
In the classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie relates the time he met a distinguished botanist at a dinner party. Throughout the evening, Carnegie writes, he sat at the edge of his chair, fascinated by the man's stories of exotic plants and garden experiments. Carnegie kept him engaged with questions about his own gardening problems and expressed appreciation for his help. When it came time to leave, the botanist turned to the host of the dinner party and praised Carnegie as "most stimulating" and a "most interesting conversationalist." This story marvelously illustrates a major key to building respect and influence: For others to be interested in what you have to say, you have to be interested in them, first. And, how do you do that, exactly?
When you treat others as interesting, you ask questions--not in an invasive or nosy way, but out of curiosity.
- * Where are you from?
- * Where have you been?
- * Where would you like to go?
- * What interests you?
- * What's your hidden talent?
- * What would you like to learn?
- "If you aspire to be a good conversationalist," advised Carnegie, "be an attentive listener. ... Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems." Carnegie's advice was valuable when he penned it, but it's even more relevant today. Just look around the next time you're at a restaurant, and notice how many people are looking at their phones instead of speaking with, and listening to, each other. In contrast, when you ditch the small talk and treat your conversation partner as the most interesting person in the room--being curious to hear their thoughts and opinions--you stand out as different.
- When you try to understand why another person thinks and feels the way they do, they become naturally intrigued about you. As a by-product, they're more interested in you--and more open to hear and consider your thoughts and opinions (even if they disagree with them). So remember, the next time you're in a conversation, try to make your partner feel like they're the most interesting person in the room. In the process, you'll become the person they love to be around. And when you're ready to speak, they'll be ready to listen.
