Men are under a constant, huge, aggressive competition, trapped inside a social Darwinist game on such a scale that few women would understand.
The world that we inhabit is meaner, uglier, more aggressive, and more indifferent to you. It is all about status, power, competition, dominance. That’s the world men live in. We didn’t choose it. Most of us don’t like it at all. Only a very small slew of say, 1% of us, thrive on it. Most of us just endure it the best we can. A lot of us can’t bear it, hence why a very large number of men live lonely, depressed lives, and fall into depression and suicide in far larger numbers than women.
Women complain that they are not allowed to compete in many of the big leagues, even in our supposedly progressive modern world. And that’s a fair complaint. What a lot of them don’t understand is that men are forced to compete on said leagues by default and don’t have the option to opt out, nor do they get to choose anything about it. That’s simply not acceptable and not a possibility for men. Nobody expects it from you, and nobody will allow you to do so.
Sexism has the unintended consequence of making expectations for men greater (since sexist men will treat women like helpless, inept children) and the social punishment for failing to meet them is harsher. A fat man is an ugly man, not a herald of a new form of beauty. A stay at home dad is a parasite, not a caretaker. An unprofessional man with a good social life is not a “charming partner”, but a loser. And so on.
Our default state is a constant state of warfare so to speak, and you don’t get to take a break from it. The sexist commentaries that women routinely get are just part of this toxic game of “neutering the competence”. Believe it or not, we do also get our fair dose of toxic masculinity, just in a different form. Men don’t get comments on our asses or boobs, we just get direct insults, demeaning commentary, and a far more direct, even physical aggression, mostly coming from the very same type of imbeciles that will tell you to “smile more, honey”. They don’t have to pretend to have a “nice” façade with us, the gloves are always off. Always.
A romantic relationship with a woman offers us, men, something way more valuable than romance per se: It offers us a respite from all of that. It offers us a glimpse into a kinder, gentler, different world, where most of us would love to live in if given the chance. Or at least, we are given the possibility to retreat to it whenever we falter. Or at least, the possibility to be ourselves; kinder, gentler, tender and vulnerable.
Oh, to be able to be admired, cared for, loved, without needing to do any other thing than existing. No need to fight. Just to care, and nourish one and each other.
The last thing that I would want to do with my partner would be to compete, to “one-up” her or fight with her. That’s the job of the rest of the world. Our relationship is, however, the secluded, sacred beating heart of a heartless world.
