It's true that society has begun to regard middle-aged men as the most hated group of people in the United Kingdom. It's difficult to think of any of the world's big evils that were not caused by us. However, there is one group of middle-aged men that should be reconsidered: those who wear replica shirts. Why is it that the innocuous 40-something bloke in a stretched Umbro home top receives a disproportionate amount of hate on social media, but everything from climate crisis to openly corrupt Western governments has been brought in by the stale, pale, and male?
There's something about men over the age of 25 wearing a replica top at a game that inspires supporters to channel their inner Gok Wan. The kit wearer appears to be tragic. Even more so if they are overweight. It's fascinating that weight is a source of annoyance for so many critics. In general, the insults aren't inherently fattist - rather, the overweight duplicate top wearer deserves extra sympathy because he's even more deceived than the rest of the crowd.
It's an odd posture to take. The rationale appears to be that fans only wear imitation tops because we secretly hope that an injury crisis among the substitutes will force us onto the pitch and slam home a winner. Of course, this is correct. Every year or so, I have a dream in which I score the winning goal for Luton Town in an undefined cup final. It's completely unrealistic: I play goalkeeper in the real world. The question is, do I wear a replica top to Luton because I hope to get selected? Or am I having a dream because I still like wearing my home top? Now it's your turn, pop psychologists.
Another justification given by individuals who criticise shirt wearers is that it is a disservice to the club's image if you don't look your best in their uniform. Just like a team will punish a player for being overweight at the start of pre-season, some fans appear to want only the athletic supporter to wear this season's jersey. "Wear a throwback kit, they're more generous," I've heard in a few conversations regarding the appropriateness of kit wearing.
This ignores how slim-fitting the contemporary game kit is. I produced video shoots with Premier League players for 18 months. The video presenter tried on Calum Chambers' match-worn shirt in one competition to win it. He couldn't get it past his chest, despite being a slender twenty-something. The replica kit, as should be evident, is a fantasy phantasm, regardless of your age or build.
